Delusional
by happiness theory
Summary: Random and Insane drabbles. Really crazy and WRONG! Chappy 11: Rufus' Cure: How Rufus became cured over his fear of men.... XP
1. Petrify Cloud's Style

Jaz: Im so sorry. I haven't written any good FFVII fics lately. I was too busy writing Full Metal Alchemist fics! ;-; Anyhow…. Here ya go! The first chapter!

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Delusional

Chappy 1: Petrify (Cloud's Style)

So, there they were, face-to-face. They were about to battle for the first time against eachother. Rufus vs. Cloud. Cloud held up his sword waiting for his move, while Rufus put his left hand in his pocket and his right holding his shotgun. He had a smirk on his face. Dark Nation, Rufus' pet, was waiting for a command, too.

Cloud grew a grin. "Alright, Rufus. I'm going to use my petrify spell!"

Rufus shook his head. "Tch. You're only on Level 12! You can't learn petrify THAT fast!"

Cloud scowled. _Oh, I'll petrify you alright…._

He then, lowered his sword and took a few steps closer to Rufus' side.

Rufus and Dark Nation watched him slowly and carefully. "What the hell are you doing?"

Cloud blushed and took out a ring case. He opened it revealing a diamond ring. "Rufus ShinRa… will… you marry me and make love to me afterwards?"

Rufus was so shocked and terrified by Cloud's comment, that instead of a heart attack.. he turned to stone. Dark Nation started peeing on him.

Cloud threw the ring case over his shoulder and it fell of the balcony. Then he picked up his sword and started beating the crap out of Rufus. "Ha ha! And who said I didn't know how to cast a Petrify spell!"

And they lived happily ever after… until Meteor came. THE END

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Jaz: Soooo… whatcha think? Is it good for a first chappy! Sorry if it's short….

Rufus: Must – stay – away – from – men…

Jaz: o.o;;; Oookay… Anyhow… if you want to be in the fic yourself… just review me saying sooo! And please try and give me some good ideas! D:


	2. CrossDresser

Hey, guys! Thanks fer reviewing! Anyway, I got this idea from a doujinshi I saw on the internet! Muahahaha!

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Delusional

Chappy 2: Cross-dresser

Miss Cloud, Aeris, and Tifa lined up in a row several feet apart from each other. The Don paced back and forth wondering which one he should choose.

He stopped in front of Aeris. He shook his head. "Naw. Too original.." Aeris sighed of relief. Don stopped in front of Tifa staring at her boobs. "Naw. Too fake.."

"Ex-cuse me? I have you know that these are real! I had to spend all of my money making them big!" Tifa retorted. Don shrugged and stopped in front Miss Cloud; infatuated by his/her beauty. "How would you like to sleep with me tonight?"

Cloud blushed. "I'm sorry…. But- I can't…"

Don almost went in an outrage being rejected from one night in bed. "WHY NOT!"

"Because…" Cloud glared. "YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A FAT, HORNY, PORNO-PIG!" Cloud ripped off his disguise revealing a black lacy bra he was wearing under it.

Shocked of this, Aeris and Tifa gasped and had big widened eyes. Don screamed like a little girl. "Oh my gosh! She's a wo-MAN!"

Cloud blinked at the two unaware that he was wearing a bra. He looked down and saw himself wearing a bra. Cloud turned around and clutched his chest. "Oh- my- GAWWWWDD!"

All of the sudden, Lady Pamie bursted in with a giant bazooka. "I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU ALL!" She then stared at the cross-dressing Cloud awkwardly silent.

"Did you get that at JC Penny's?" She asked.

Everyone else but Cloud; who started blushing really badly; collapsed.

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Jaz: I'm sorry Lady Pamie if I didn't give you much of a part in this chapter. I really couldn't think of anything…… D: Maybe if it wasn't for FFLove's evil pop tarts.. I might've written a better chapter….

FF: WHAT?

Jaz: Eep! Nothing!


	3. Cupid Madness

Jaz: Hi guys! Sorry, but there won't be any 'special guest star' appearances until next chapter! I'm sorry if this is a little late! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

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Delusional

Chapter 3: Cupid Madness

"HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, VINCENT!" Cloud's gang cheered as they bursted into Vincent's basement. They looked around; deserted. All they could see was Vincent's coffin shaking.

Cloud opened the coffin. "Hey, Vin! Happy Valentines Day!" Cloud cheered. Vincent just cradled up into a little ball and sucked his claw. Yuffie peeked inside as well. "Uuuh… Vinnie?"

"Go – away –" He shivered.

"But come on, Vincent-sama, it's YOU-DAY!" Cloud said trying to encourage him out of it.

"Well… I hate ME-DAY…" Vincent said in an utter reply. "And to survive ME-DAY I must wear…."

Vincent stuck his butt in front of Avalanche. "THE IRON BUTT: The Cupid Repeller!" He announced pointing to a metal plate stuck on his butt.

Yuffie poked at it a couple of times. "Oooh… shiiny…" She became mesmerized by its shininess.

Everyone just backed away because they could smell a foul odor in the air.

All of the sudden, Cupid came in by going through the ceiling. "WHUZZAAAAAAHHHH?"

Tida panicked. "Oh my gosh! A ROBBER! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" She ran away; far far away.

Cupid turned on a big boom box in which played the song, "I like big Butts." Then, he took one of his arrows and shot it at Cloud who was bending over trying to tie his shoe.

Seconds later, Rufus walked in. "I am not gay, I am not gay…" He repeated over and over to himself. Cloud then started running towards him. "OOOOHHH RUFIE-CHAN!"

Rufus screeched and ran out with Cloud behind him. "I'M STRAIGHT, I TELL YOU! STRRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIGGGHHHHTTTT!"

Vincent laughed triumphantly. "MUAHAHAHHA! CUPID CAN NEVER SHOOT HIS ARROWS ON MY BUTT!" Cupid shot an arrow through his butt.

"WUH?" Vincent looked at his butt and his Iron butt wasn't there anymore. "WHERE'S MY IRON BUTT?"

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Meanwhile, somewhere far away, Yuffie was running off manicially with Vincent's Iron Butt. "I MUST TAKE THE SHINY!"

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Hee hee…. Very insane….. Anyway, I'm sorry it's a bit late for a Valentines Day Chappy. Please RnR


	4. President's Day

Hey guys! Here's my President's Day episode to you thanks to the ideas of one of my lovely reviewers! X3 I got this idea from watching Princess Diaries… Anyway, this is really crazy so enjoy!

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Delusional

Chappy 4: President's Day

Today was President's Day, Rufus' favorite holiday meaning he gets to boss all of his employees around.

Muahahahahahahahahaha – oops… sorry.

So, here was our young Rufus doing evil things such as paperwork – which is very evil, you know?

All, of the sudden, someone barged in Rufus' lovely office. Blonde hair, shiny teeth, fancy-pancy clothing, the flag of Britain, and the Britain Music; it was Prince William of England!

Rufus raised a brow. "Uhm… what are you doing here?"

"I have come to take over ShinRa!" William said in a very grand English voice.

"But you already rule England.. or the UK…. Or whatever you call it…"

"Well, I have come to rule ShinRa because I feel like it and I'm rich and I can do whatever I want!" William boasted. "And besides, I got more votes of who is the sexiest man on Earth in the Teen Magazine…" William flashed a picture in the Teen Magazine that Rufus was place 4th place of the sexiest man on Earth and William was placed 1st.

Rufus growled. "This is war…."

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So, Rufus' giant office was completely turned into a battlefield between richness and royalty (wait… Rufus IS royalty right?)

Rufus, hiding behind a desk for protection threw a bunch of combs at William, while William, hiding behind a giant pot plant in which had no effect during battle, just threw English crumpets at him.

"I promise you, William! You will die!" Rufus screamed trying to catch all the flying crumpets in his mouth.

"And in the name of all England.. YOU, TOO!" William screamed catching all the combs Rufus was chucking at him combing his hair. Then, the Prince paused. "Great Scott, these could have lice!"

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"Behold my fellow companions… I give you the thing that will take us a step forward to our Boss' humiliation!" Reno proudly presented.

Tseng rolled his eyes. "Get to the point Reno.." He said un-amusingly.

Rude made no comment. Elena became impatient. "Hurry it up… I'm on a tight schedule…"

Reno frowned. "Fine.." He said. He turned to his little laptop. "Now.. in 10.. 9.. 8… 7.. 6…"

"ONE!" Everyone screamed pressing the button.

Soon, the laptop revealed Rufus' office with Rufus and William fighting and throwing stuff at each other.

Elena leaned closer to the screen and squinted her eyes. "Isn't that Prince William?"

Everyone paused.

"Uhm.. shouldn't we help the President?" Rude finally suggested.

The Turks thought for a moment. "No.." They said in unison.

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William tried to hide behind Rufus' giant pot plant to avoid getting hit by Rufus' storm of combs.

Finally, Rufus stopped. "Phew… that should take care of him…" He said breathing heavily. "What?"

Finally, the dust cleared revealing Prince William with his Golf Stuff. "LIMIT BREAK: ROYAL GOLF BALLS OF DOOM!"

Rufus grimaced. "Balls? That didn't sound right…"

William hit tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of golf balls at Rufus; in which he covered by hiding behind his desk.

One of the Golf Balls crashed out the window, fell 47 or more stories below, hit a guy on a head and died of a concussion, then bounced off and hit a random cow who had diarrhea and exploded and started to make the sky rain butter sticks (inhales deeply) THEN it wasn't actually butter sticks… it was margarine.

The readers gasped.

Rufus grabbed a margarine stick and tasted it. "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!" He said in shock. (AN: Sound familiar?)

All of the sudden, two black girls in black suits and black shades appeared out of nowhere interrupting the deadly, yet pointless battle.

"They know too much.." said the girl with the frizzy hair.

"Right…" said the girl with the braided hair.

"Who are you?" William snorted.

"We are J.A.M." the two girls who were black and were also wearing black said. "Jaz and Makayla…"

"We are the super-secret spy service.." Jaz said.

"But, since you told us that you are a super-secret spy service.. wouldn't it not be a super secret service anymore?" Rufus asked.

"He knows too much!" Jaz said.

"Right…" Said Makayla.

Jaz took out their MIB light thing and started pressing the button. Nothing happened.

"What the heck?"

The two black girls lifted their shades and faced the light thing towards them with Jaz pressing the light button frantically. Nothing happened."It's not working!" Jaz cried. "Hey, you forgot to turn the thing on!" KK said. She turned it on and all of the sudden the light kept on flashing and flashing and flashing in their own eyes.

Rufus and William stupidly stared back.

Finally, the light thing stopped flashing leaving the girls 'empty-headed.' "Heey, KK… what are we doing here?" Jaz slurred.

"I dunno…" Shrugged Makayla. "Let's go eat some ice cream…"

"OKAY!" So, Jaz and Makayla went away leaving Rufus and William alone to continue their bickering.

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That was entirely Stu-pid… Anyway, Hayvel the Great and Awesome and Dr. Wilipos will be in the next chapter! Sorry if it took so long!

Anyway… did I offend any 'Brits' out there? I wasn't aiming for it… I got the idea because I saw Prince William on Princess Diaries 2 and it reminded me on the news how he had a temper tantrum while playing golf…. Hehehe…. Me and my ideas… ;;


	5. New Enemies

Hehehe…. Here's da new chappy that's just unfunny and pointless…. Anyway, if you want to be in the story or want to give me some ideas… review me saying soo! Anyway, this is sort of a Yuffentine… not really.

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Delusional

Chappy 5: New Enemies

One day, the whole gang decided to stop in Wutai, and since everyone came just to relax.. Yuffie and Vincent decided to take a walk together… alone…….. with no one to bother them…. And with beautiful scenery.

"So, Vincent-sama… we're all alone…" Yuffie purred.

"Uh-huh…" Vincent said.

"With no one else to bother us…."

"Uh-huh…."

"In a _romantic_ scenery…"

"Meaning?"

Yuffie slapped her head. _Geez, he's so dense…._

Vincent darted his eyes to Yuffie. "You stole the Iron Butt…" He grunted.

Yuffie smiled sheepishly. "Well… about that—OOH! A MATERIA!" Yuffie ran up ahead to pick up a suspiciously convenient materia. But then, Yuffie thought, what if it was dangerous and can unleash something powerful that can crate an Armageddon? Yuffie shrugged. Oh well.

Yuffie activated the materia in which summoned two people: a regular guy, and another weird guy with a suit of armor with a sword and a humanoid dragon arm.

"Who are you?" Vincent asked.

"I am Hayvel the Great and Awesome…" the regular guy said.

"And I am Dr. Wilopolis!"

"AND WE ARE HERE TO FIGHT YOU!" The two said.

Vincent took out his gun. "Let's do this, Yuffie…"

"RUNAWAY! I DON'T WANNA GET A SHOT!" Yuffie cried running away in the distance.

Afterwards, Dr. Wilopolis and Hayvel the Great and Awesome started beating the crap out of Vincent.

"I tried anything…. And I still can't defeat them…." Vincent sulked. "OOWW!"

"Bend over!" Hayvel started whooping Vincent's butt with his belt.

"Waaaah!" Vincent cried. "DARN YOU FOR STEALING THE IRON BUUUTTT!"

All of the sudden, Vincent took out a bag of random glitter from his pocket and sprinkled it on the evil duo.

The evil duo became blind. "AAAH! The glitter! IT BUURNS!" they also ran away. "WE'LL BE BACK VICTOR!"

"Uuh.. Hayvel… it's Vincent.."

"Oh.." Hayvel said. "CUURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!"

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Sorry… that was stupid and unfunny… The Next Chapter will be funnier!


	6. Midgarian Idol

**Please Rate this story from one – ten. **

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Delusional

Chappy 6: Midgarian Idol

"Welcome viewers to Midgarian Idol!" Reno announced. All of the sudden, mobs of fangirls started mobbing poor Reno.

"CUUUT!" Screamed the director.

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Hours later, Reno came back with a broken leg and arm. "And now, let's announce the judges! Barret Wallace, Tifa Lockhart, and the nasty and bitter Rufus ShinRa! And let's not forget our guest judge, Casey Cole!"

The four judges waved at the camera.

The camera turned back at Reno. "And now! Let the competition begin! First up is Choco Billy! (cough, cough) Red neck… (cough, cough)"

Choco Billy pranced up in front of the judges.

"Hello, Choco Billy!" Tifa greeted.

"Watsup, dawg?" Barrett said.

"I'm fine!" Billy chirped.

"Start when ever you're ready…" Casey said.

"Okay…" Billy straightened his throat. "_I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, so I'll shake my butt!_" Choco Billy shook his hiney in front of the judges left to right.

Rufus rubbed his temples. "Can you sing an actual song?"

"Oh..okay…" The contestant straightened his throat again. "_Ol' McDonald had a farm.. Eeh-I-ee-I-Oh!"_

"Next!" Rufus bellowed.

Poor Choco Billy walked out of the room empty handed.

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Next up was Yuffie.

"Hey, Yuffie!" Casey said.

"Hi!" she cheered.

"Please begin!"

Yuffie straightened her throat. "_I'm a Barbie girl! In a Barbie woooorld—"_

"Stop!" Rufus interrupted her. "Could you please sing another song?"

Yuffie paused.

"_I wanna be like other girls! I wanna see what other girls see! Just to be free like other girls!"_

"STOP!"

"So, do I get it?"

Rufus got up from his seat and escorted Yuffie to the back of the audition stage.

After a long silence, you hear a gun shot.

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"Hmm.. the competition isn't looking so good.. let's move on to the next contestants.." Reno said.

"Hey, everyone!" Marlene greeted merrily.

"Hey, Marlene!" Tifa said excitingly.

"Hiii MARLENE!" Casey squealed. "Soooo, cuute!"

Barrett started talking babyish. "hey, snoogum-woodums, teddy bear shnuffle poo! Poodle woodle! You're so cutey, wooty! It just makes me wanna squeeze you're a—"

"Barrett, let's get on with it.." Rufus snapped.

Barrett shutted up. "Sorry…"

Then, Marlene started to tap dance.

Rufus rolled his eyes. "This is a singing contest! Not a dancing one!"

Casey slapped Rufus. "Shut up, Rufus!" She turned to Marlene. "Marlene, I never knew you could tap dance!" She said sweetly

"I didn't! That was the pee pee dance!" Marlene said proudly.

The judges grimaced.

Marlene took out a couple of plastic cups. "Lemonade?"

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Reno's eyes widened. "Ooo-kaaay… maybe not what we have expected…. MOVING ON!"

Bugenhagen walked or eerr hovered onto the stage.

"Alright, dawg, SING!" Barrett said.

"Okaay…" The old man said slowly. "I'm going to sing—UUGHH!" Bugenhagen fell over and had a fatal heart attack and died.

The set was silent.

"Well, I guess that crosses him out…" Casey stated.

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Next up, came Aeris…

"Hello.." She said softly.

Rufus made no comment. Barrett was too busy drinking Marlene's lemonade. Tifa glared.

"Hi there, Bit- I mean, Aeris.." Casey said bitterly.

Aeris blinked clueless of what was going on. "ookay…"

"What are you going to sing, Aeris?" Rufus asked.

"I'm going to sing 'I feel the Earth Move'.." She said.

Everyone nodded.

"_I feel the Earth move, under my skin_

_I feel the stars coming down_

_I feel my heart stop trembling—_"

"Uhm.. that's far enough…" Rufus said stopping Aeris from singing.

"So, how did I do?"

"Horrible…"

Aeris' mouth dropped. "B-but… I can sing other songs! I have tons of different voices!"

Tifa rolled her eyes. "Yeah, in your head…"

"What are they saying?" Casey asked.

Aeris paused. "They're saying…. That I never knew that my best friends could be so mean to me.. after all these years…"

Everyone cracked up.

"Next!"

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"And now, time for our commercial break!" Reno announced.

Meanwhile, with the judges, they were faced with relief.

"Finally… commercial break… I thought we'd never have one…" Rufus sighed of relief.

"STUPID FOO'! WHO TOOK THE REST OF MY LEMONADE?" Barrett yelled.

"Oh, that thing?" Rufus said. "I threw it out…"

"WHAT THE?"

"Trust me, Barrett, that's not lemonade… it's pis—"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS! IT STILL TASTES GOOD!"

Rufus shrugged. "Whatever…"

Barrett growled. "STUPID – WHITE PERSON!"

Tifa gasped. "But I'm white also!"

Barrett growled. "Then, stupid – White, ShinRa person!"

Reeve glared. "But I'm white and I'm a ShinRa person! What's wrong with that?"

Barrett growled. "STUPID WHITE, SHINRA, RUFUS PERSON!"

Barrett's mama stormed in and slapped him. "BUT I'M WHITE AND I'M A SHINRA PERSON AND MY NAME IS RUFUS!"

Tifa and Casey stared at Barrett in shock.

"Blackmail!" Rufus took a picture of Barrett and his mama.

"Oh, (bleep!).." Barrett muttered.

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Reno laughed nervously. "Hehehe.. welcome back to Midgarian Idol. Next up is Red XIII.."

"OMG OMG OMG OMG! It's Red 13!" Casey started squealing.

Rufus rolled his eyes. "Fan girls…"

"Please, start, Red…" Tifa said politely.

"_The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout_

_down came the rain and washed the spider out!"_

"Oh my god, YOU SUCK!" Rufus yelled loudly.

"(bleep!) you!" Red cursed.

All of the sudden, security guards surrounded him.

"I WILL AVENGE YOU GRANFATHER!" Red farted and shot out through the ceiling and flew away (hehehe… like Bugenhaiden)

Tifa fainted from the over exposure of gas.

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Last and not least was, Cloud.

Rufus started to ask all jittery. "Hehe… hi.. hehe… Cloud.."

"Hi!" Cloud said in a gay guy fashion designer voice.

"Cloud, you're beautiful!" Casey confessed leaving everyone staring at her.

"She means for you to start, sexy—I mean—Cloud." Tifa said.

"_I feel pretty!_

_Oh so pretty!_

_I feel pretty and witty and_

**_GAYYYYYYY_**_!"_

"I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE!" Rufus jumped out of the 50-story building.

Casey gasped. "OMG! You scared, Rufus!"

Tifa cheered. "YOU'RE THE WINNER!"

And so Cloud became the Midgarian Idol and got a lot of flame emails later on. THE END!

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That was really stupid.. but I think that's the funniest one so far. Anyway, if you want to be in the story, or give me some ideas.. PLEASE REVIEW ME!


	7. Easter Festival

We have a very special crossover!

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Delusional

Chappy 7: Easter Festival

One day, in Easter, Cloud and the gang decided to go to the Easter Festival.

"So, what do we do, now?" Cloud said looking around.

Tifa shrugged. "I don't know…"

"Hey guys!"

The gang turned to see the authoress Jaz and the Full Metal Alchemist people from her other fic "Social Life Sucks".

"Happy Easter!" she chirped.

"Hey!" Aeris cheered. "Who are these guys?"

"They're from my other fic _Social Life Sucks!_" Jaz said. "This is Ed, Al, Winry, Roy, Breda, Hughes, Hawkeye, Envy, and Havoc! And Fma people, this is Cloud, Tifa, Aeris, Red, Vincent, Cid, Yuffie, and Barrett!"

Cid and Havoc looked eye to eye.

"Is that Marlbaro pack you're smoking'?" Cid asked.

"Yup.." Havoc nodded.

Cid wrapped his arm around Havoc's shoulders. "WELCOME TO THE TEAM BUDDY!"

"OH MY GOD! IT'S A DOG! A DOOOOOGGG!" Breda screamed running away from Red XIII.

"Where's the love?" Red sniffled.

Al smiled. "KITTTYYY!"

Red gave a frightening look.

"Cool sword." Ed said.

"Cool arm." Cloud said.

Aeris and Winry both his their boyfriends with their wrench/metal rod.

"OW!" They both said rubbing their heads.

Winry and Aeris giggled.

Barrett and Hughes were too busy bragging about their daughters to one another, Hawkeye and Vincent were too busy talking about guns, and Yuffie and Envy were too busy scheming practical/evil jokes.

Jaz jumped up and down excitingly. "Come on, guys! Let's go!" She then jumped next to Roy. "I'm with Roy!" She grew a wide smile. Roy heaved a sighed.

So, Envy went with Yuffie, Cloud, Aeris, Winry, and Ed went together as a double date, Vincent went with Hawkeye, Cid went with Havoc, Hughes went with Barrett, Red, Breda, Al, and Tifa became partners and that's that!

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Meanwhile with Ed's gang, the all went to see the Easter Bunny.

"No, nooo, NOOOOOO!" Ed started screaming as Cloud dragged him towards the Easter bunny awaiting for him in his seat.

"COME ON, ED!" Cloud grunted.

"NOOO! MICHAEL DON'T TOUCH MEEEE!" Ed cried.

Winry and Aeris exchanged looks.

Finally, Cloud got Ed on the Easter Bunny's lap.

"Well, hello there _little _boy!" said the Easter Bunny.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING LITTLE THAT IM A SIZE OF AN ANT?" Ed ripped off the Easter Bunny's mask which was…..

"EDDY! It's been so long!" Michael Jackson cried. "GIVE ME A BIG HUG!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOoOoOOOOooooOOOoooOO!"

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Meanwhile with Jaz and Roy, they pretty much didn't go anywhere but sat in the same place the whole time.

Jaz smirked evilly. _Hehehee…. Not only that I'm with Roy just for kicks, but I'm also here to make sure he doesn't have any affairs with other women; Hawkeye's orders…_

"Roy! Roy!"

Roy perked his head seeing a lovely blonde walking towards him waving her arms up in the air.

Roy grinned.

Jaz's smirk grew. _Time for action…._

Roy stood up and delicately held his girlfriend's hands. "I've been waiting for you…"

His date giggled.

"DADDY!"

Roy turned to see Jaz as a 5 year old. "What the? How did you?"

"DADDY! Mommy is waiting for you!" Jaz said.

Roy chuckled nervously. "He he.. I- have- no- idea- what- you're- talking- about!" His date frowned at him.

Jaz frowned. "Of couwse you do! You wewe about to pwopose for hew so she can be my new mommy!"

Roy's date jerked her hands from him and stormed off.

"Hey! Wait!" Roy sulked.

Jaz turned back to her original age and laughed hysterically. "HAHAHA! MISSION COMPLETE!"

She then realized Roy was glaring at her.

"Oh, shi—"

BOOM! A giant explosion of fire sent her running and Roy chasing after her.

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Meanwhile with Hawkeye and Vincent, they decided to join the Easter egg hunt. The main goal was to find the Golf Ball that was all sparkly and shiny to win a 100 gift certificate to any store in the area.

"On your marks, get set, GO!"

Vincent and Hawkeye started searching for the shiny sparkly golf ball in the mobs of children.

"I FOUND IT!" Hawkeye cried as she picked up the golf ball. Suddenly, a little came and snatched it.

"HEY! THAT WAS MINE!"

Vincent shot the little 2-year old thief in the leg and grabbed the ball and returned it to Hawkeye.

Hawkeye smiled. "Thanks.."

All of the sudden, the adults; including the parents; started chasing the two snipers in giant mob-forms.

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Meanwhile, Cid and Havoc; the two best of all friends; went down to a souvenir stand.

Havoc started looking through the pile of T-Shirts that they were selling one by one. "Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, OOH! Me, likey!" Havoc found a T-Shirt that said &#! On it.

"Lemme see!" Cid took a good look at the T-shirt and smiled. "That's a &&( good T-shirt. Bout' time someone around here has some taste…"

"Excuse me, sir.." Havoc asked. "How much is this T-Shirt?"

"100 dollars…"

"WHAT THE &?" Cid and Havoc screamed at the same time.

The clerk blinked. "Uhm.. something the matter, sirs?"

Cid and Havoc took turns cussing.

"(&!"

"#!"

"#()#&)(&#(!"

"&(!"

"&&!"

"(&!"

"#!"

"#()#&)(&#(!"

"&(!"

"&&!"

"(&!"

"#!"

"#()#&)(&#(!"

"&(!"

"&&!"

"(&!"

"#!"

"#()#&)(&#(!"

"&(!"

"&&!"

"(&!"

"#!"

"#()#&)(&#(!"

"&(!"

"&&!"

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So, Roy continued to chase Jaz around the festival until the two went out of breath. "I'm tired…" said Jaz.

"Ya think?" Roy said catching his breath.

"HEY LOOK! There's Tifa!" Jaz said pointing to Tifa walking towards them.

"Hi.." She said.

"Aren't you suppose be with Breda and Red?"

Tifa shook her head. "Breda keeps on screaming about Red being a dog.. and Al tried to stuff Red in his breast plate. "

"Oh.." said Jaz. "Well, you can come with us! Don't you think so, Roy-sama?" The young authoress nudged Roy in the shoulder.

Roy snapped out of staring at Tifa the **inappropriate **way. "Oh, uhm, yeah! I think that's the breast—I mean- _best _thing to do…"

Tifa frowned. "PERVERT!" She slapped Roy and stormed off.

Jaz laughed at Roy's misery.

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Michael Jackson continued to chase Ed around while Aeris, Winry, and Cloud watched them chase each other back and forth.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!"

"Come on, Ed, I want to touch you!"

All of the sudden, Sephiroth came. "MICHAEL!" he said holding up a bag. "YOU FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR MEDICATION!"

"Noooo!" Michael ran away yelping like a little ugly puppy.

Aeris blinked. "You know him?"

"Of course! He's my brother!"

Everyone grimaced. "How is that?" Aeris asked.

"He's one of Hojo's experiments… luckily not many people knew that.." Sephiroth drew the sheath of his sword. "Now, if you excuse me, I have a child molester to catch…" Sephiroth ran after Michael.

"NOOO! DON'T HURT HIM! HE'S JUST MISUNDERSTOOD!" Cloud said screaming, running after Sephiroth.

Everyone else grimaced. "Oooo-kaayyy…"

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Meanwhile with the two avid smokers……

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Later on with Riza and Vincent who were getting chased by mobs of people…

"QUICKLY, VINCENT! GET ON THE AIR JUMPY THING!" Riza jumped out of her shoes and jumped across the jumpy thing.

Vincent jumped out of his shoes and jumped on the air jumpy thing but he fell and his claw poked a hole through the thing so it started to deflate.

"DA&N!"

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So, while everyone was running around acting crazy and hectic, the brought the place down to rubble leaving Yuffie and Envy on a bench watching the insanity far away while eating ice cream.

"I guess they don't need us, do they?" stated Envy.

Yuffie nodded.

Suddenly, Cloud ran over to the trouble making couple. "HEY GUYS! I'M GOING TO NEVER EVER LAND!"

The two grimaced.

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Hehehehehe… _mucho loco_

Anyway, if you were confused about the whole thing because you don't watch FMA, then sit your behind down and watch it!

You should also read another crazy fic I made called Social Life Sucks. It's in the Full Metal Alchemist Section and it's really funny! CIAO!


	8. Pregnancy

Got this idea when I wrote stories script writing. Really nasty.. but funny…

Sry it took so long to update!

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Delusional

Chapter 8: Pregnancy

Everyone waited around in the living room, waiting for the news. Tifa wasn't feeling so good so Cloud took her to the hospital. Was she sick? Was she going to die? Tch. You wish.

Finally, Tifa, with a bulging stomach, and Cloud came home with the arriving news. "I'm having Cloud's baby…" she squeaked.

Everyone cheered. "YAY!"

Before anyone could celebrate, Tifa collapsed on the floor in pain. "TIFA? What's wrong!" Cloud asked.

"The.. baby…."

Everyone gasped.

Tifa then jumped up and rushed in the restroom and closed and locked the door. Cloud banged on the door. "TIFA! WAIT! OPEN THE DOOR!"

"I – CAN'T!" Tifa muffled through the door feeling constipated.

"It's all too sudden…" Vincent sighed.

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After waiting endlessly in front of the bathroom door, hearing grunting and breathing noises from Tifa inside the bathroom, they finally heard a large splash from inside the toilet.

"YAY!" Everyone cheered.

Tifa opened the door to see everyone look at the newborn inside the toilet. When everyone looked inside, everyone grimaced. "Holy crap! That's one big chunk-load of sht!" Cid exclaimed.

"And he takes that literally…" Vincent added.

Red peeked in the toilet. "Ooh.. so that's why toilet water tastes so good!"

Everyone cringed.

Cloud sobbed. "My son is a pile of crap…. Retardation these days…"

Tifa patted Cloud's back. "Don't worry Cloud. We'll make it work out. We'll call him Crapbob Squishypants… (Spongebob Squarepants)…"

Cloud sniffed. "Ok.."

So they dressed up the pile of crap into some mini Ken Barbie clothes and put them in a baby stroller and walked out.

"Women… I don't understand them…." Cid muttered.

"Heh… you should've seen Lucrecia's baby…" Vincent said. Sephiroth glared.

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Cloud and Tifa's son is a pile of crap. That's because Tifa sucks and she's ugly. Once again, sry it took me long to update. I was running out of ideas so I did this one in 10 min. Hope you thought it was funny….


	9. Vincent's To Do List

I did this a LOOOONG time ago but it got deleted. So, I'm reposting it as a chapter in my story. I'm also adding some new ideas in it as well. Gomen for being so short.

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Delusional

Chapter 9: Vincent's To Do List

One morning, Vincent woke up from his beloved old musty coffin and yawned. "My, my, what a beautiful day! I wonder what I will do today!" He then took out his To Do List.

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1) Change into clothes

2) Brush my Teeth

3) Brush my hair

4) Bake a cake

5) Kill JENOVA

6) Kill Hojo

7) Kill Sephiroth

8) Kill Tifa that slut

9) Throw rocks at little kids

10) Meditate

11) Masturbate

12) Go on a date with Michael Jackson

13) Molest the little kids I threw rocks at as they are helplessly hospitalized

14) Continuously flip my cape

15) Play with Barbie Dolls

16) Watch Soap Operas

17) Do the Rain Dance

18) Kill Tifa again

19) Watch TV alone and naked

20) Call my two boyfriends

21) Get run over by a parked car

22) Praise the Cow God; lord of all Twinkies

23) Kill Tifa

24) Act Gothik and depressed

25) Rape my teddy-bear

26) Call my Ex-Girlfriend LucreSHIT

27) Buy a thong

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Hahahaha.. short yet funny and perverted.

Anyway, RnR


	10. Truth Of Ray

whoa.. very sorry for slow update. Just made this up right now.

O.. and if there r any black ppl that r fans of Ray Charles (whom i remind u is a black legend) this may be quite offensive towards you... so... yeh. Even though it's not.

And this may offend black people, too.. but I'm black, too, so it's okay.

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Delusional

Chapter 10: The Truth of Ray

Cloud and the gang walked into Barrett's bar. Barrett started singing and dancing to the radio. "Hit the road jack, and don't you come back no more no more no more no more!" He sang out of key.

"Barrett, what the hell in your mom's ass are you singing?" Cloud said.

"I'm singing 'Hit The Road Jack' by Ray Charles." Barrett answered.

"Ray Charles? Who's that? He's not one of those gay black supermodels is he?" Yuffie asked.

"HELL NO! Ya'll don't know who Ray Charles is?" Barrett asked.

Everyone shook their heads.

"Sorry, Barrett, but we aren't 'niggas' like you." Cloud said.

"SHUT THE HELL UP OR I'LL WHOOP YOUR WHITE ASS!" Barrett boomed.

Everyone remained silent.

"C'mon, I'm going to show you who Ray Charles is." Barrett lead them out of the bar and they went to the ShinRa building.

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"MUWAHAHAHAH! My time machine is complete!" Hojo said.

Barrett and the gang suddenly stormed in. "YO UGLY! I need ta use yo Time Machine!"

Hojo adjusted his glasses. "What's this? He's human alright, but that dark shade of skin... the ghetto dialect. My my! YOU MUST BE A NIGGER!" Hojo jumped in the air and clicked his heels. "I MADE A DISCOVERY!"

"LEMME USE THE TIME MACHINE!"

"NEVER! SEPHIROTH! MICHAEL!" Hojo bellowed.

Sephiroth and Michael Jackson appeared in front of Hojo,

"ATTACK!" Hojo demanded.

Michael Jackson leaped on Yuffie and Sephiroth died of diahrea.

"NOOOO!" Hojo screamed. "YOU'LL NEVER HAVE MY TIME MACHINE! That's because, I am the DICKANATOR!" Right when Hojo ripped his pants off, Barrett took his Giant Scissors weapon and sliced 'something of Hojo' off. "There you go, foo'... now you're a Dickless Dickanator."

"NOOO!" And Hojo melted into a puddle of... stuff.

So, AVALANCHE, except Yuffie who was getting raped by Michael, jumped in the Time Machine and they went back in time when Ray was alive.

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They were in the 1950s. AVALANCHE jumped out of the Time Machine.

"aiight... we're at Ray's house." Barrett said.

"Where's Ray?" Aeris asked.

"Maybe he's in that room..." Vincent suggested. Before he could open the door, he heard noises. BAAD noises. "What the fork?"

Everyone rested their ear on the door. They heard a woman's voice.

"Come on baby, **put it in already**! PUT IT IN! I ain't gonna wait the whole night!"

They heard Ray's voice. "I'm **trying **to but I'm blind god damnit!"

Everyone's eyes widened and they jumped back into the time machine and disappeared.

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Meanwhile with Ray...

"Come on, baby, you've been trying for hours..." The woman said.

"YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO DO THIS WHEN I CAN'T SEE!" Ray yelled.

"It's dat dope you've been taking isn't it?" The woman asked.

"HELL WOMAN! I quit dope YEARS ago!" Ray yelled.

He finally plugged in the television plug into the plug outlet.

"Finally..." The woman said.

Yuffie popped out of nowhere with a T-shirt saying, 'I got Raped by Michael Jackson!'

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ROFLMAO! Hope dat didnt piss anyone off! IT WAS FUNNY WASNT IT?

PLEASE REVIEW!


	11. Rufus' Cure

Heh heh.. yes I know. The last chapter was an utter disgrace. This shall fit more of your likings:)

And this is was under inspiration about me and Casey discovering an 'element' of FF7 doujinshi. :D

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Delusional

Chapter 11: Rufus' Cure

One day, Rufus ShinRa was in a good mood. A good mood you ask? Quite a first it was. It was the day his brand new super computer came with DSL in it.

With glee, he sat at his desk, cracked his knuckles, and turned on his computer.

When his desktop appeared, he clicked on his Internet Explorer and started searching random stuff on Google (mostly about him).

"Ooh, what's this? A RufusxTseng Shounen-ai doujinshi? I really don't know what it means even though ifitmayhavesomethingtodowithgaymenhavingsex but what the hell! It has me in it right?" He said to himself clicking on the link.

5 minutes later...

Rufus began to suffer from a seizure. It was so traumatizing he couldn't even hold on to the mouse. Quickly, he ran out of his office.

VROOOM! The way he ran sounded like a race car. He passed Jaz holding hot cocoa, making her spill it. "Aaw, shit man. That was the last cocoa. I wonder what's up with him anyway.." she said.

Rufus ran and ran and ran. He ran like he wind. He ran with force. He ran faster faster FASTER! STICK IT IN! (oops... I'm getting out of hand) That's until he came to a complete stop. His eyes widened. Tseng. "Hello, sir." Tseng greeted holding some coffee.

Rufus remained paralyzed. He couldn't move. He started to sweat. 'Oh, gawd, what am I going to do!'

As he stared at Tseng wearing the usual Turk suit, he hallucinated Tseng wearing a sexy thong and holding some condoms. "AAAAACK!" Rufus screamed bobbling his head back and forth in confusion. 'What a big d!' Rufus thought.

"B-boss.. are you alright?" Tseng said quite worried.

In Rufus' consciousness...

"Hello, Rufus," said a young girl.

"WHO ARE YOU!" Rufus yelled.

"My name is Shenka..." she answered.

"Shenka from 5th Grade?" Rufus asked.

"Yeah, it's been a while then. How's your d?" Shenka asked.

Returning to Reality...

"Ah, it's fine. I have to have a check-up on it every now and then but it gets better. I just had my yearly surgery yesterday.." Rufus said talking to Shenka... in his mind.

Tseng looked at Rufus raising a brow. "Uuh.. President Rufus?"

Jaz came along. "What the hell is his problem?" she asked as Rufus continued to make a conversation with 'himself.' Tseng shrugged and took out a cell phone. "Call up the paramedics to the top floor NOW!"

"GO JOE!" replied the guy.

"Shut the f up before I yank your precious winky off!" Tseng growled.

Back in Rufus' consciousness

"Anyway... AAAAGH AAAAAGHHH AGGGGHHH!" Rufus began screaming.

"Shut up! Next thing you know you'll be pissing in your pants!" Shenka scolded.

"I already did." Rufus said shamefully.

Shenka rolled her eyes. "Rufus, you can't keep doing this forever. You must face your fears."

"I.. can't..."

"DO IT!"

"No..."

"Do it."

"No."

"Do it!"

"NO!"

"DO IT!"

"NOOO!"

Back in reality...

Tseng and Jaz watched Rufus breaking down.

Jaz ate popcorn as Rufus continued to scream. "And i thought Sephiroth was crazy."

"F YOU AHOLE!" Seph yelled out of nowhere.

Tseng narrowed his eyes. "Where are they?" he sighed impatiently.

All of the sudden, Rufus stopped screaming and looked up at Tseng with a scary glare in his eyes.

Jaz scooted away. Tseng froze.

Rufus began to froth his mouth. Tseng stuttered. "What the--"

Reno started to walk up behind Tseng. "Hey, Tseng, whats up!"

Rufus leaped at Tseng but he dodged Rufus so Rufus jumped on Reno and began to... do things.

"Yes yes! ROCK MY WORLD! AHAHAHHAHA!" Reno laughed victoriously. "AHAHAHAHAHA --Ooh! That's tender down there! Watch it!"

Jaz fainted.

Tseng stared in disgust.

Suddenly, the paramedics came to find Reno and Rufus... on the floor... making noises... (cough cough)

One of the paramedics smiled. "Our work here is done..." he said. "The President is cured."

Another one took a picture of them and they walked away.

"I wonder who could've done this to ShinRa-sama..." Jaz mumbled half-asleep.

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Somewhere... out there...Bill Gates typed vigorously on his keyboard. "MUAHAHHAHA!"

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Hehehehehe.. did that amuse u all? Yes yes. Rufus is back. And he's cured. LMAO

Anyway, special guest star was me as Jaz (myself) and Shenka... a fellow reviewer who reviewed me on Chapter 7! X3 Hope i didnt screw up her OOC... but what she did to Rufus.. she should be happy already.


End file.
